HOW TO FAIL YOUR CHEMISTRY COURSE

1.    BE ABSENT FREQUENTLY.  Let the slightest indisposition keep you at home.  Pamper that tired feeling.  Think of others - it might be catching.  Schedule all routine doctors' appointments during class time and never during a vacation.

2.    BE LATE TO CLASS.  When attending class, make a dramatic entrance after the instruction has begun.  The instructor will thus get acquainted with you sooner.

3.    DO NOT READ THE ASSIGNMENTS.  The instructor disagrees with some of the textbook anyway.  In fact, don't buy any notebook paper on which to take reading notes.

4.    POSTPONE DOING ANY HOMEWORK PROBLEMS.  Wait until the homework done by others is discussed in class.  The time saved will more than make up for the points lost on quizzes.

5.    ASSUME THAT YOU CAN ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS and problems at the end of each chapter.  After all, they are only there to make the text bulkier and thus sell for a higher price.

6.    If the text states that two certain reagents give a white precipitate when mixed, but your experiment produces a blue one, DO NOT QUESTION WHY.  It is just a chemystery.  In fact, why bother with lab when the results are in the book.  Avoid contradictions.

7.    DO NOT ATTEND LABORATORY SESSIONS at the scheduled time, but come when the instructor is not bothered by other students and you can have her undivided attention.  She may appreciate alibis, especially unique ones.

8.    DO NOT RECORD LABORATORY DATA while in the laboratory.  Wait several days.  When some of the observations have been forgotten, the lab report will be shorter.  Hand in your lab reports late or at the examination time when the instructor is too busy to read them carefully.

9.    NEVER WORK WITH CLEAN APPARATUS.  Many discoveries have resulted from chance impurities.

10.    USE DICE TO DETERMINE THE BEST ANSWERS to true/false and multiple choice questions.  This method is quick and gives a varied pattern of answers.  A crystal ball may be a better choice for completion type questions.

11.    PAD THE BODY OF ESSAY TYPE QUESTIONS with Lincoln's Gettysburg Address repeated as many times as needed to give impressive length.  The beginning and end should be pertinent to the subject matter.  The instructor may read that much.

12.    If a passing grade still stares you in the face, you are hopelessly intelligent.  Your last chance is to STUDY ALL NIGHT BEFORE EXAMINATIONS and appear bleary eyed, mentally fogged, and barely awake.

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